IS IT TIME TO DISCARD IN-MARRIAGE AS A JEWISH VALUE?

 

Recently, an interesting email exchange took place between myself, a colleague, and a lovely woman, herself a partner in an interfaith marriage.  It all began when my good colleague, Rabbi Cara Weinstein Rosenthal, drew my attention to an article on www.interfaith.com which maintained that the Conservative Jewish position of welcoming interfaith families while at the same time encouraging in-marriage was problematic.  Uhm…this would not be the first time that a Conservative Jewish position was in some way problematic.  No surprises there.  Rabbi Rosenthal wrote:  The author, a Jewish woman in an interfaith marriage, contends that the common practice of many Jewish communities regarding intermarriage - encouraging in-marriage but attempting to reach out to those who have chosen to intermarry - makes Jews who are in interfaith marriages feel like "second-class citizens."

 

In response to the article, I wrote:

 

I'm not willing to abandon endogamy yet.  The jury is still out as to whether Jewish community can survive or in the very least be sustained by a community predominated by intermarried Jews.  If someone feels like a second class citizen because of a value we embrace, then they really need to find a community where that value has been discarded.  In the meantime, I think there are plenty of intermarried Jews who understand that endogamy remains an important Jewish value even if their own personal circumstances have lead them down a different path.  And we welcome those Jews and their non-Jewish spouses into our communities like anyone else.

 

That’s when I received the following from—I won’t reveal her name.  But she respectfully wrote as follows: 

 

Do you consider endogamy to be a Jewish value?  I agree that life is a lot less complicated when one marries inside their own faith.  But I don't believe my husband was abandoning his Jewish values when we fell in love and got married.  If anything, marrying a non-Jew made him more devoted to Judaism.  We joined a Conservative synagogue prior to the birth of our first child, and he will be the first to admit our family is more involved with our synagogue BECAUSE we are an interfaith couple raising Jewish children.  Together we have taught our children many Jewish values: charity, forgiveness, friendship, love, gratitude, protect the earth, etc.   It might be our preference for our children to marry someone Jewish, but I would not consider it a Jewish value.

 

Wow—that was a great response.  If only everyone in the Jewish world was that devoted to jewish values!  Nonetheless, the letter deserved a response.  And my letter in return follows: 

 

Thanks for writing to me directly and expressing your views.  I think honest conversation has always been important to help people both understand each other and themselves.  I appreciate your candor and the kind and respectful tone of your e-mail.  I am also delighted to hear how involved you and your husband are Jewishly and in your synagogue.

 

I rarely think of Jews who intermarry as Jews who have abandoned their Judaism.  Those renegade Jews do exist, I meet them from time to time, but for the most part, intermarriage does not imply an abandonment of Jewishness or a wholesale disregard of Jewish values.  By the same token, I don’t think it intellectually honest or even academically plausible to deny the role that endogamy has played in the faith life of the Jewish community for some 2500 years.  That’s going to be a real difficult argument to make.  And endogamy continues to be a cherished value among many Jews today—there simply is no question about that.  What is different today is that we can take a value like endogamy—or any other Jewish value for that matter!—and call into question its relevance.  That kind of reexamination and deep questioning is part of the very fabric of who we are as free Jews living in a free world.  We may question every part of our ritual lives or values we cherish, but to deny endogamy as a Jewish value makes no more sense than denying Jewish values like daily prayer, tzdakkah, Shabbat, and so forth.  Endogamy is part of the Jewish world and that’s just a fact.  Intermarriage is also now a part of the Jewish world and that too is a fact.  We’re dealing with two realities.

 

I think that in a family setting, Jewish values are protected best when a couple sees them as important and meaningful.  I suspect that both you and your husband share common ground on many Jewish values and rituals—at least that’s what it sounds like from your e-mail.  But I don’t think we can say to the Jewish community—“Hey, you want to be a better Jew?  Intermarry.  You’ll think more about your Jewishness.”  It may have worked in your own family—and that’s fabulous!—but I don’t think it’s going to work in most intermarried families.  It’s hard enough to get that to work where both parents are Jewish.  But the potential for success, I’m willing to say, is greater with the in-married couple than with the interfaith couple.  The exceptions are notable, appreciated, and commendable.

 

Statistics do not mean anything when dealing with individual families.  And I really applaud you and your husband’s connection with synagogue and with Judaism.  All the best to you and Shabbat Shalom—