Dear CybeRav,
The kids and I went to a cousin's daughter's bat mitzvah last Shabbat. The girl led part of the service, read some Torah with fine trope, did her half of the haftarah, and gave an appropriate speech that was clearly not written by her mother. It was impressive.
But then came the party. It was one of those huge elaborate affairs with a loud DJ and dancers and fancy food stations and an upscale meal and a big entrance for the bat mitzvah girl. The girl and her mother changed outfits between the service and the party so they could have almost matching party dresses.
Throughout the weekend and before it, various discussions involved how much to give for a bat mitzvah gift. My jaw dropped at some of the recommended amounts. In some cases, people claimed they were taking into account the cost of the meal at the party!
I don't get it. It all seems too flashy. The emphasis on the party seems disproportionate. My gut reaction is that so much of this is inappropriate. I know those DJs and party planners are happy to be earning a living from affluent Jews, but I always wonder what they think of us. What does the coat-check guy think of Jews? I kind of want to tell the guy, "We're not all like this." But then I start having my own negative feelings of Jews, too. I want to separate myself from all of it.
How did we get here? And how does each of us handle it? I don't want to be bitter about everyone' s celebrations, but they do make me feel nauseated. As bar/bat mitzvah talk ramps up for people my age, I figure I have about 15 more years of it. I have to get through it somehow. Finally, as a community, what can we do about our values?
SUFFERING FROM JEWISH PARTY FATIGUE
CYBERAV ANSWERS
Dear Suffering,
What a fine question--or series of questions as the case may be. Let's see if we can get to the heart of your issues.
How did we get here? I guess my first first answer to this first question is another question: who are "we?" It doesn't sound like you are part of the we, and I don't think that I am part of the we, and actually, I know a number of B'nai Mitzvah parents who would definitely consider themselves outside the we group you identify. For those who are a part of that we, the Jews whose semahot turn into displays of conspicuous consumption, I'm averse to lumping them all into one group. Do they feel that this is the one and only certain Jewish simhah they may ever be able to arrange for their child so they are going to go all out? Or do they need to display their wealth due to insecurities about their tenuous standing among their peer group? Or is this how Jews in the 21st century celebrate after the horrific experiences that Jews of the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries endured (not to mention a number of centuries preceding those)? Or are Jews just so secular these days that, in fact, there is often no religious significance to a Bar/t Mitzvah and it is only about the party? I don't know the answers. It would take a well-funded research project to find out. I don't think it fair to necessarily condemn families who do go all out. At the same time, we can probably think of 100 better ways to use one's resources which can be equally joyous and more in tune with traditional values--like taking the family to Israel, sponsoring a Jewish concert or lecture or Scholar-in-Residence for the synagogue in honor of the child, planting trees in Israel for all your guests, etc.
I have to get through it somehow. And you will precisely because you will guide your family down a different path. Can families in the community or even your kids pressure you into making a party that you would rather not attend yourself? I doubt it. And as for a Bar/t Mitzvah gift, everyone should give what their heart dictates. I don't think covering the cost of a reception dinner for each person attending is such a bad idea, but that also depends on how reasonable the reception is (which is a judgment call on your part), and nevertheless, that approach is only a suggestion, not a rule.
Finally, as a community, what can we do about our values? Well, first, we can raise these issues in a public forum, like a Blog, or a meeting of the parents, and honestly ask what it is that we are trying to accomplish in arranging elaborate displays of food, music, exotic dancers, and sundry other party games? Do these parties reflect our values? Must we take out a second mortgage on our homes in order to entertain our family and friends? Is diving into this pool of materialism really a lesson we want our impart to our children? These are all questions we need to raise in the community and I thank you for raising them for us. You know, between you and me, we could save the community a lot of bucks--not too shabby in an economy still recovering from a serious recession.
In the mean time, know that in the Jewish community, displays of independence and virtue exist along with displays of tasteless opulence, and whether the tasteless exceed the tasteful, I can't tell for sure, but I can tell you that it is your choice which "we" you wish to associate with.
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